rich hum of air's Journal
Saturday, April 12, 2003
And then lets start again..."
friends only. add me, and i'll add you
i hear a voice telling me not to be so blind
to pull out of myself
and ressurect the sweetness
that once came out of my body
to make you hate the monster
that lives behind my eyes sometimes
and to build ur love for me stronger
by our matching bodies (relate.re-live.restore) and unending stories
(lolita.june.we are lost and delirious (!!) )
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
4:11PM - gessus..
sorry for the misunderstanding, but I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ANAIS NIN quote.
nuff said. will remove. why dont you check out the rest of my journal, and point ur finger somewhere else.
people make mistakes
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
this heart i cant take anymore
and fastened between my breasts
its not you or you. tis me that i cannot stand.
i most recently met a gurl who's made of the same restless blood. and we go to the river park and scrape our legs against grass and eat water to make us feel full of ocean. (something deeply disturbing CAN be beautiful). secrets that no one else knows. and trying to comfort each other as the rest of the world (and oh our loves) reach, but from the wrong direction.
how will i save her? will this better me or make me go completely mad with unhinged skin, pulling TIGHTER around my breath
Sunday, March 2, 2003
11:29AM - t.a.t.u. banned in UK
whether u like the band or not. i think u should take a look!
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
"I saw, instead of stars, relationships moving like constellations, moving away and towards each other, small, large, pale or vivid, warm or cold, diffuse or clear, and at times exploding. Trailing smoke and plumes, raining sparks, turning, moving, according to an invisible design, according to influences we have not yet been able to measure, analyze, contain"
Tuesday, February 4, 2003
if u would like to reach me/send me love (its all i need)
9811 w. laurel oak lane
crystal river, florida
*"I must be hard to love. I don't trust people. I am attracted to those who are untrustworthy, or maybe it's me- yes, that's right, it's me. I'm the one. But I'm learning the other side now. "The Green-Eyed Monster"- maybe this is me. I don't let people close to me, so they are driven away by my isolation. I don't know how to let people in. Annie told me that either I'm far inside myself or I'm forcing myself into someone else. In everything I do, I push too hard. It's a joke in my family. Morgan says I go at everything 'like I'm killin' snakes.' When I walk I stomp. You can hear my footsteps all over the house.... I can't help it. I devour things. It is what has helped me and hurt at the same time. It has given me my drive. I wish I knew how to change this, how to move outside of myself, but it seems too big to me now. I have built a whole world inside myself. A whole world"
Monday, February 3, 2003
"Well, I suppose someone is [driving me], or has been the whole time, although all along I thought it was me. Yes, I felt my angel next to me, but I never thought of myself as the passenger. Maybe what drives me is the same as what drives the movie audience that I have always felt close to. Maybe it's the person I talk to in my head, the one I'm talking to now, the one living inside me...
But saying Annie's name places her next to me. I guess the sound of her name, being composed of many strings, takes me to her. We are still tied together. Sometimes I still wish for a wormhole to crawl into and meet Annie at the beginning, or at some time in the future when we are once again in harmony. I know she has nothing to be sorry for. She's just being Annie, trying to make her own way. She's on her own road. God, how well I know that"
Thursday, January 30, 2003
12:38PM - :::::her print remains upon my life with the resonance and power of an emotional tattoo :::::
"... Crooked, twisted freaks of nature who stagnate in dark and muddy waters, and are so cloaked with the weeds of viciousness and selfish lust that, drained of all pity, they [lesbians] regard their victims as mere stepping stones to their further pleasures. With flower-sweet fingertips they crush the grape of evil till it is exquisite, smooth and luscious to the taste, stirring up subconscious responsiveness, intensifying all that has been, all that follows, leaving their prey gibbering, writhing, sex-sodden, shadows of their former selves, conscious of only one desire in mind and body, which, ever festering, ever destroying, slowly saps their health and sanity." (Sheila Donisthorpe, Loveliest of Friends, 1931)
I love You
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
10:39PM - to the one I left. b e h i n d
"ive been wallowing in my own chaotic.insecure dillusion"
ive been hurt and betrayed by every person that surrounds me here. and i continue to shovel shit on my back and scramble. i have no strength at the moment. i am in the ground with the others. but i am no whore. i am not confused of love. i am full of conversation. (but only she asks. yes you. she. it.)
how do you explain all that and get them to understand.
i'm tired of i'm sorrys. and i dont knows. (i'm sorry. i *dont* know.)
how can i be so passionate and full of emotion
when all thats around me is full of "surprises" and liars.
and those who know nothing about love. nothing at all.
and that i am living for things like fruit. old poetry. memories. and the sky.
ive come to conclusions, yes. but many.
yes, i dont know.
i know who i love
i need to feel intimacy (but more love at the same time) (IS THAT POSSIBLE AND IS IT OUT THERE)
move somewhere new
and most importantly
go with my intuition and follow it.
the "things happen for a reason" motto is looking rahter blah lately. its definitely not enough for me anymore.
when's this next chapter going to begin? and all this will look so small and so not how things looked upclose. maybe that's it....
(im growing more angry as a person. and less patient towards most everyone (i.e. they piss me off in some way) and i'm so worried that it will just continue on this downward spiral of being who i despise.. the cycle of nastiness mustnt get this girl.
i wont let it
Tuesday, January 7, 2003
10:11AM - blood in the boardroom - - -
have you ever felt calm
but completely out of control?
i think i've been mean again
catching bee's i just cant get this right
if i have things so figured out, why do i follow
the wrong. and how do you tell blood where to go
and how to stop?
water never slows
and neither does this box of fire inside me
*torches my hair*
Wednesday, January 1, 2003
my desire is larger
(lets do it in the corridor)
i'm a balloon about to burst
(but from the sun)
i want her inside me
Monday, December 23, 2002
And we walk on shaky ground
Losing everything we've found
Thought I found somebody new
She reminds me
Every time she
She reminds me of you
She reminds me of you
Every time your face comes through
I just can't stop thinking about it
I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
and I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean
I am lost
so I am cruel
but I'd be love and sweetness
if I had you
I am weak
but I am strong
I can use my tears to
bring you home
did anyone know that angelina is going to play the pornstar that died in the carcrash? i forget her name
how rockin is that going to be..
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
"give me life, give me pain, give me myself again"
Sharon, when is my journey to San Francisco going to begin?...
Monday, December 16, 2002
its so easy to walk away. to keep quiet. to not be harmful.
i cannot find a trustworthy face in this town. at all. and i know its not just here. either people dont see it. and I do. and get in trouble or blamed for it all. or put in a situation that i had no idea even existed. so i lose jobs because of these gossipers, and i become a part of it. even if i say nothing. and i get hurt. and they move up in position. well i'm not part of this war that everyone is a part of. everyone proves to me from a distance once in a while, and its the only hope that i have. but no ones here in my face. showing me that who i am is the right choice. that i'm not a bad person. that people like the untouched and intense.
i feel like death daily
with continuously empty hands
and my ability to be comfortable alone
Monday, November 25, 2002
12:19PM - need some help
i got a puppy! and i cant decide on a name :( i was going to go with talula. but its too long and doesnt fit her. and then i changed it to Lola. i wanted to know if anyone had any neat suggestions. nothing too long. i dont have a website to put pictures up. but she's butterscotch colored with some white (like a little spot near her nose) and some black. she does have some pitbull in her (uh oh) and sharpe we think. she cries when i leave her and am not holding her. its no dog cry, it sounds like a baby. which has made me cry like 15 times already. she pee's and poops everywhere. and likes to dig her nose under my knee, under my arm, or in my neck. she sleeps with me when i take naps and likes to curl up by my head.
sooooo f'ing cute. let me know if you want me to mail you pics.
Monday, November 18, 2002
Saturday, November 16, 2002
12:18PM - -she looks me in/the eye-
thank you samantha for saying you missed me. its a big motivation to know people care. *twinkles*
i had a wonderfully terrific weekend of tori this past week. everything went smoothly. i found out last night, an old friend of melissa and I's attended the tampa show. I hadnt even seen ashley in over 2 years so it was a nice surprise to see her and know she was there. she did that with ani too and we didnt know she like either artist. :)
i smell the beach under my nose. the 19th is the biggest meteor shower of the 21st century. so i'm going to go to the beach. and cuddle and fall asleep.
i'm suppose to work tonight but i may go in during the day, that way i can see 8 mile with everyone as planned. i saw santa claus 2 the other day. it wasnt as good as the first one. the toy santa scared me to death. but molly shannon made me piss my pants laughing and elizabeth mitchell was stunning and warm to watch.
last night renee and i went to melissa's to watch the margaret c.h.o. new dvd we got in, and its so great. except the driving home at 3:30 in the morning part.
still no cigarette. 6 days and counting....
ITS LIKE A FUCKING DRUG ADDICTION. the side affects are horrid.
last night i almost snapped and i went to grab them and melissa had to tackle me *L*
Monday, November 4, 2002
today i woke up around 1:15.
sounds nice huh? yeah it wasnt.
i had a terrible nightmare. i'm guessing was linked to the awful cold medicine i've been downing for a week. makes me dream bad things and keeps me from waking up.
i was hours away from death. i'm not sure if it was a disease. but everyone in my dream knew it. and it was mostly crying for hours. screaming "I DONT WANT TO DIE". "what if i dont see you again" and having these conversations with all the people i care about. the worse one being with my mother. cradling me, and taking care of me because i was sick. i felt death literally. i remember it. i see it even though i am awake. i cough in my bed as i cannot wake up and i know this while i'm dreaming. still i believe this is the end. my last look at light. of looking into your eyes. i'm thin and everything going on is eccentric. reds and bright yellows. yellow made my eyes cry. too bright for a girl half there.
i couldnt wake
and i woke up still sick
i am in love with my dreams
but they kill me
Sunday, November 3, 2002
it can be about me or you :)
Saturday, November 2, 2002
fluffer-( D- (guinevere turner was in it for like 2 seconds *grrr*)
Abandon-( D- (fucking AWESOME cinematography but the movie blew)
Evil Dead 2-(C+ (again AWESOME cinematog. especially for it being a 1987 (i think) film.
Beat-(B+ (courtney love was incredible. its very dark and i cant stop thinking about it)
Idle Hands-(B- (pretty cool idea!! it'll scare any little teenager off of smoking pot)
9 1/2 weeks-(B (kim basinger is SOOOOOOO beautiful/stunning/on fire. w o w)
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